Week14 - Peer review 20224 최준환

     Everyone who lives in the earth and all of them may be interested in well-being and health. Also they may concern physical ability and physical activity everyday. Naturally, people are interested in how to enhance physical ability and how to have advanced result. Especially, in sport games, players have to enhance their physical ability and make better score. Then they have to do special things that can bring physical advance. There are many ways to improve better records, but I think concentration and calming down one's mind during physical activity can cause advanced score and enhanced physical ability the most. Before starting, you should know the definition of word, "concentration". Concentration on something involves giving all your attention to one thing. In other words, spend all of your concerns to it. Calming down one's mind is acting like control one's condition, state.
     Controlling one's mind or calming down one's mind can influence the results about sport games or physical activities. There is a experiment that prove that concentration can make advanced physical ability. According to STEMWiki Hyperlibrary's study, Concentration can bring advanced result rate. The same argument applies whether the reaction involves collision between two different particles or two of the same particle. In order for any reaction to happen, those particles must first collide. This is true whether both particles are in solution, or whether one is in solution and the other a solid. If the concentration is higher, the chances of collision are greater.
     Likewise, According to beverley high school, If you increase the concentration of the substrate in an enzyme controlled you will speed up the chemical reaction. The reason for this is as follows: The substrate and the enzyme need to come into contact with each other for a reaction to proceed. When the two meet they join for a brief moment while the reaction is catalysed, before separating. If there are very few substrate particles in the solution, it will take time for them to bump into an enzyme molecule and therefore the reaction will be slow.
     Also, An adequate level of physical activity may maintain or promote work ability. We can know that physical activity can bring better results when we make adequate level of physical activity by controlling one's mind or concentration. Actually according to my survey from 50 students, 42 of 05 students feel that their physical ability is advanced or have better records when they control their mind and concentrate more.
According to my case, when I play sports or do physical activities, I feel enhanced physical abilities and can have better scores when I calming down my mind and concentrate more than before in badminton, basketball, soccer. So I search more in physical activities not especially in sports. Then, results are same. In every physical activities, I can get better score when i concentrate more. Additionally, According to my research from 50 students, 42 students feel enhanced physical ability and can get better records when they calming down and concentrate more than before.
     From these we can know that controlling one's mind, condition and calming down one's mind during sport games or physical activity is very important things. That is because these behaviors can enhance physical ability and increase reaction rate, so they can get better scores. Also through these behaviors, they can control their mind stable.
     I think Opponents who don't agree with my thoughts may say that better result and concentration or calming down are not related, they are just coincidence. However that is not realistic, just suggests. As i mentioned before, concentration cause chemical reaction to enhance reaction rate more. This means that there are relations between concentration and advanced physical advance. Additionally, I think opponents will say that concentration is just one way of mental controlling and it is seemed that influence one's ability and results. However, I think concentration and calming down one's mind during sports game are the most important way to get better results. There are many ways but these are the most influential, powerful way.
     Until now, I mention about "Controlling and calming down one's mind during physical activity can cause advanced result". As i said, there are many evidences. Our body knows it, we know ourselves, result of research prove it. These are enough to prove this argument. Especially in physical activities, concentration and calming down one's mind have very important role. These are the most effective, powerful ways to make advanced results and enhanced physical ability. Already, many sports players know this and use in many matches. If you do these properly, you can get benefits from these in physical activities. Concentration and calming down one's mind is related with our brain, and control brain. So brain can control our body and make our physical abilities enhanced. These are not just coincidence. These are the results of body and brain's interaction. Thus, If you control or calm down your mind(escape from exited condition), you can cause advanced result and enhanced physical abilities.

Grade

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
This essay deserves a three. The perspective is fresh and I can understand.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

The essay topic is not apparently proposed on the top of his essay. I wondered what he will argue about and what's his own opinion until I read the last part of the essay. Though he suggested persuasive and full backgrounds and evidences to prove his opinion but I think it would better to put his resolution clearly in introduction like in the conclusion. And I also think that he needs to state his major supporting detail definitely, not flowing in the paragraphs.

Thesis

What is the thesis?

Controlling and calming down one's mind during physical activity can cause advanced result.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Little bit yes, because there are rebutting points and own supporting points, too.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Controlling and calming down one's mind during physical activities can cause advanced results. I will write the essay in the same opinion with him

Any other thoughts?This is interesting. I could never come up with this kind of topic because it's hard to deal with in the argumentative essay, but the degree of completion of this essay is high.

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

I can see all parts of the classical argument. But I think that the narration part is little bit not enough to show the interesting backgrounds of the essay or the topic.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? Yes. The introduction is what almost all of people might consider in their daily lives.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes, but it is missing conjecture about the future. Just because current technology doesn't beat brain power, there is no reason to believe it won't eventually be able to.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

Yes. The writer used adequate researches and supported his opinion with reliable studies or results or opinions.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
I don't think so. I think the refutation part is little bit weak and little bit not strong or easy to answer in the perspective of the writer.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 

Yes. He suggested various consequences of how it will happen if the readers support his opinion, exercise.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
The narration is inadequate. Develop it - Tell us about those who agree with you and disagree with you.

Persuasion

When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? I agreed with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I still agreed with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
I did not change my mind.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
Consider more possible rebutting points from opposite sides.

Research

Is the author using research effectively? Yes. The author is using research effectively.

Is the research from appropriate sources?
Yes. The research is from appropriate sources.

Are the sources obvious?
Yes, the sources are obvious.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes. The pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?No. That's enough to support the opinion.